I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
