you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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