My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
