i wish my penis had a tongue
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
