piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
