I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
