I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
