So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
FUCK WHALES
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
