is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
