Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
