the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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