Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
