She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
