just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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