I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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