I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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