i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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