I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
