Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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