you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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