i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
