shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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