I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Randomize