I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My breasts were aching with rage.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
