I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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