Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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