Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
