high people should be assigned attendants
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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