your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
