My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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