I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
