A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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