Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
