I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
