he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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