Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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