So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
