You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
