I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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