apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
