god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize