Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
