his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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