Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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