Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
