Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Randomize
