Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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