I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize