I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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