I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
