Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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