i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
