Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
