dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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